Diary
The resolute.
04.13.2023
Dear xxxx,
A month later, hi. I keep seeing your messages everywhere but I just dont get around to writing a response. Today the thought of you carries such weight that I was unable to stop thinking about you.
I feel like my life has reached a point of no return, or at least that's what it feels like. Things had been changing pretty rapidly around me but never enough to somehow influence my insight, the circunstances just made me feel overwhelmed. Now that I got the hang of it, I have enough headspace to just think. About what it all means, what the consequences of my actions really are, the life that I am building. Thankfully, I don't regret the half of it.
On the other hand, I really wish there was someone in my life who would just tell me to get my shit together, give me a call to action so I can finally move forward. I don't think there's anybody in my life to whomst I would grant such say in my matters. I don't know if that reveals my desire for a partner or my longing for my mom, but those are connected anyways.
Another thing I wanted to talk to you about is the fact that I have gotten meaner. It's been like this for so long and everyone arounds me knows, including you, but why haven't you said anything? I hate that it's come to this. I should be held responsible for all the damages I've caused. Come on, two years ago I would've never believed you if you told me that I'd become this vain, this shallow, this gossipy, this backstabbing, this deceitful. Old me was actually interesting. She was cool and had opinions, and didn't care so much for what people had to say. I understand I want to be pretty, but damn, deep down I believe it's not worth it.
Let's hope the next few days come with their own share of revelations. I want to understand.
— Cypherstar.
I feel see-through
03.12.2023
Dear xxxx,
'I am strong enough to do this' is what I tell myself every night before crying myself to sleep. It's been like this ever since I moved out. After the 4th night in a row I just accepted that it was gonna be like this for a while. I've tried looking for help, just wanted to clarify before you go thinking I'm not acting upon it; it turns out it's really hard to put into words. I just can't find them. Besides, I worry too much about how others may react to stuff like this. When you're depressed, loneliness becomes the framework from which you observe the world. No one cares enough to listen, so better to keep my distance as to avoid being put through the tortuous ordeal of being misunderstood.
Also, and this could be my egocentrism speaking, my sadness is not something other people can understand. You barely did, and I know you tried hard. I guess it's just very circunstantional. Just ask me how much time I spend thinking about the past, it's what I do most. I've put myself in a restraining chair, taped my eyes, I've forced myself to watch it go on and on forever. Every mistake, every word spoken, I'm hyperware of how every single moment I've lived continuously constructs and desconstructs me.
My point is that I would have to externalize all of that for someone else to understand. A mighty task that would make me explode, I'm sure. I also think that we all experience sadness in a different way. Like that Anna Karenina line about how every happy family is the same, whereas unhappy families are all unhappy in their own way. That's how I feel about sadness in general, I guess.
I suppose with time my words will come out, but I reckon this is an advance. As I told Matt today, I feel fine, and NOT in a dog surrounded by fire kind of way. I am no longer surrounded by fire. He said he was glad and I believe him.
I hope the next few days feel like this too. The light at the end of the tunnel is tangible now.
— Cypherstar.